I Am Finding It Hard to Accept My Loved One's Diagnosis or Prognosis. What Should I Do?

Receiving difficult news about someone you love, especially as a child of an elderly parent, can feel as though your entire life has changed in an instant. It is completely normal to experience a wide range of emotions during this time, including shock, disbelief, and uncertainty about the future. 

As a new caregiver, you may find yourself balancing a heavy mix of sadness, fear, anger, and helplessness. You might be thinking about questions like: how to stop crying after bad medical news, or whether it is normal to be angry at a sick parent.

Know that finding it hard to accept this news doesn't mean you love your family member any less, or that you aren't doing a good job of caring for them. Acceptance rarely happens at a single moment and is more a gradual process of emotional adjustment. It takes time to adapt to life-changing news, and it’s really okay to take things one day at a time.

Wherever you are in this process, this guide helps you gently handle your emotions, take care of your own well-being, and find the support you need to make the days ahead feel a little more manageable.
 

Why do I find it so hard to accept a medical diagnosis?

Understanding why you are reacting this way can help you become more aware of your emotions and give yourself permission to be gentle with yourself at this time.

Uncertainty about the future you expected: A serious diagnosis often changes our plans for the future. As a caregiver, you’re not only trying to process the current, immediate medical needs such as finances and lifestyle adjustments. You’re also grieving a future life that you’ve planned for and it can include anticipating unexpected changes to:
Your lifestyle

• Financial plans
• Parent-child relationship dynamics
• Personal independence
• Personal responsibilities (your career, your family, etc.)

For example, you may have intended to get a place of your own and move out of the family home, but now you have to stay because your loved one needs you to care for them. Or maybe you wanted to take your parents on a family holiday somewhere, but now you can’t because of their medical condition. 

This is especially challenging for the sandwich generation doing caregiving in Singapore, who find themselves trapped between the needs of their ageing parents and raising their own children or fulfilling personal aspirations. 

It’s valid to feel sadness at postponing your plans or missing out on opportunities.

Your mind needs time to process: Disbelief is very common when hearing about unexpected news for the first time, but remember that it doesn’t mean you’re refusing to see reality. Denial is a natural protective mechanism that our minds use when information is too overwhelming to process all at once. If you find yourself feeling like none of what’s happening is real, your brain is simply taking the time it needs to absorb the shock at a manageable pace. 

Feeling powerless: As a child and caregiver of your elderly parent, your instinct is usually to protect them and fix the situation. 
 

What are signs of anticipatory grief?

What is anticipatory grief? It happens when you begin grieving the loss of a loved one before they are actually gone, as you mourn their gradual decline and the future you expected to share with them. 

Because it happens while you are still actively caring for or spending time with them, it can feel difficult and heavy. You may experience some of these:

Emotional 

•    Sadness, loneliness, and feelings of emptiness or despair
•    Heightened anxiety, worry, anger, and irritability
•    Guilt over past actions or present caregiving limitations, along with a sense of helplessness

Physical 

•    Headaches, general fatigue, exhaustion, and physical body aches
•    Difficulty falling or staying asleep or sleeping too much
•    Digestive issues, loss of appetite, poor eating habits, or overeating

Cognitive 

•    Loss of focus, feeling like you can't concentrate on what you're currently doing, memory loss, and general forgetfulness
•    Difficulty making decisions or feeling constantly overwhelmed by choices

Faith-based and spiritual

•    Re-evaluating or even doubting core spiritual beliefs you've held your whole life, such as questioning whether God exists
•    Feeling a loss of your life's direction and a sense that you have been abandoned

Information in this section is referenced from the Allkin Singapore Anticipatory Grief Guidebook, available as a downloadable PDF file from their resource page.
 

How do I learn to accept a diagnosis?

First, give yourself permission to grieve

Grief can happen even before you lose a person, and it doesn’t always happen during bereavement after someone has passed on. You may already start feeling grief as soon as you learn of the diagnosis. This is called anticipatory grief, which is simply the sadness we feel when we look ahead and see difficult changes coming. 

You might also feel what is called ambiguous loss, a confusing type of grief that happens when a loved one is still here, but the illness is changing their personality, memory, or abilities. It can feel as if the person you once knew and loved has been permanently changed. Some people may get the sense that they don’t recognise this person anymore, or that they’ve already said goodbye emotionally and mentally.

If you’ve felt any of this before but didn’t know how to clarify or express it in words, know that these are all forms of grief, and it’s valid to give yourself space to feel them.

Let yourself feel other difficult emotions too

You may not be used to experiencing a rush of intense, often conflicting feelings. Your first instinct might be to push them down, put on a brave front, and keep moving. After all, you may feel responsible for being a sturdy pillar of support while your loved one is going through a difficult time of change. 

Part of this tendency also stems from our culture. In many Asian cultures, this instinct is reinforced by a deep-seated tradition of emotional restraint, where keeping personal struggles quiet and avoiding outward emotional outbursts is viewed as a sign of strength and respect for the family. 

At any given moment, you might find yourself struggling with:

●    Sadness and Grief: Mourning the way things used to be or the changes in your loved one. For example, you might miss your parent’s nagging or chatter when you are faced with silence and withdrawal now.
●    Anger and Resentment: Feeling frustrated by the situation, the heavy workload, or a lack of support.
●    Fear and Anxiety: Worrying about the future, finances, or whether you are doing enough.
●    Guilt: Feeling like you aren't doing things perfectly or wishing you had more patience and energy.
●    Numbness: Feeling emotionally exhausted or detaching from difficult emotions just to get through the day.

These experiences are unpleasant to deal with. But it’s important to let yourself feel, rather than suppress them. Studies have shown that emotional suppression is associated with more negative emotions, poorer memory, and inflammatory health conditions. In other words, habitually ignoring your emotions can actually damage your health. 

True resilience is allowing yourself to feel these emotions and acknowledging that taking care of your own mental and physical well-being is what allows you to keep caring for others.

Don’t judge yourself

There is no ‘right’ way to react to difficult news.

You are a human being navigating a challenging chapter in your life when your elderly parents are falling ill, not a robot. Emotional ups and downs are a sign that you care deeply and are carrying a heavy load, so you shouldn’t think of them as a weakness or failure.

If you find yourself dealing with caregiver guilt after a diagnosis while also feeling angry at your parent, please know that it is entirely okay. Be gentle with yourself while letting go of the expectation that you must always remain calm and efficient.

You are doing the best you can and that’s more than enough.

Find healthy ways to express your feelings

You don't have to carry these heavy emotions entirely in your head. Try finding small pockets of time to let them out safely.

Try these outlets to help process what you're experiencing inside:

1. Journaling: Write your raw, unfiltered thoughts out on paper - it can be anything, whether it’s anger, tiredness, or how you’re feeling scared due to your parent’s illness. No one else ever has to read it. It may even help to discard the paper after you’ve finished writing everything out.
2. Trusted Circles: Confide in a close friend, a family member, a religious group (if you have one), or a caregiver support forum with people who truly understand the journey.
3. Personal Reflection: Use quiet time or meditation to sit with your thoughts without judgment. This resource from the Singapore Counselling Centre can help you get started.
4. Creative Expression: Take your mind off daily tasks by trying simple art, curating a music playlist to express your mood, or even a brisk walk to release tension.
    

Look out for part 2 of this topic, where we share tips on how to adjust to being a new caregiver. 
 

References:

https://www.allkin.org.sg/resources/publications
https://whatsyourgrief.com/ambiguous-grief-grieving-someone-who-is-still-alive/
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC12312699/
https://scc.sg/e/practice-mindfulness/